Where is she?

Seeking self through various chapters of our Earthwalk

photo by CBRPhotography

Ever look back at yourself, from some previous chapter and wonder “where did she go?” As if we are somehow playing hide and seek with so many versions of ourselves throughout this entire human Earthwalk. Ever becoming, always learning and at times, there can be a real sense of “losing oneself”. I know it well. Cycling in and out of amnesia it seems only to deepen my understanding that this journey of remembering will never end. Seeking the centre point of one’s own soul seems to be living out a lifetime of devotion. To know our Creator through every facet of our own existence. The things that make us feel inspired, what lights us from the inside out. How we can experience people, places and so many textures of our living world that feel so oddly familiar. The déjà vu dance always revealing its face at the most opportune times. Nostalgia is some sort of liminal space that feels warm and inviting. To me, it immediately creates a felt sense of belonging because it seems it’s revealed from some other time, in some other way, I know whatever stands before me. Whether a song that feels like an ancient echo of another life or words shared generously from another human being but they do not feel like the first time delivery to my ears. I know this place. I know this place. It is a feeling that can make all of life feel like The Truman Show. Which ultimately, I believe this is kind of what it is for every living creature on this spectacular planet. And then there are days of static. Hollow discord, a shortening of circuits, a feeling of dissonance so loud it could slice your eardrum. You could turn and run away but where would you be running to? Because no matter the direction you follow, you are met with this same energy. It just seems to change form, all the while, demanding of your attention. To look close to where it hurts. To dive in where it feels uncomfortable. But we were not raised this way.. No. We were born into a cyclone of consumerism and distraction to never really have to feel it all. Why would you? When there’s always some form of escapism waiting at the door of your psyche. Here! Look now! This will solve all your problems, no doubt! A black mirror trip into the 20 000 sided coin of our own reality to look away, look away, we are always finding ways to look away. But don’t get down on yourself! You’ve been trained! You’ve been conditioned and coerced to feel as though you need to stay on top of it all. While the world is coming at you with so many distorted truths and illusionary scenes, you better make sure you can still fit into those jeans! A sort of nightmare living waking dream. And it takes getting really honest with oneself. Where do I go to turn my back to my feeling experience? Where do I go to shut it all down? As if I could ever amputate this part of myself. We ultimately leave it there, in the dark, waiting for us to notice, where it will arise at some other inopportune time. It most often looks like grief and disappointment, sorrow and so often a longing for a greater connection to our Creator. We are all dancing this dance of separation, one step at a time, and the I believe the way to come back is to always choose the path of discomfort rather than avoidance.